Four Hovags and a smokey Koppla later…

Yesterday was a bit of a nothing day.

That’s not to say that nothing happened – but I was left feeling a bit flat after a rather disturbed night’s sleep.

For about a week now I’ve been waking up hearing what sounded like a fly trapped behind a curtain and it’s been bugging the hell out of me. It’s seemed like there’d been a constant buzzing noise nearby and I had begun to wonder if it was just my hearing.

I’m a light sleeper at the best of times and had concluded that it was probably my imagination because my partner was continually fast asleep when I woke up.

In the morning she also looked quizzically at me when I kept pulling back the bedroom curtain to check the windowsill as we ate breakfast in bed.

No dead flies.

No live ones either…

Then yesterday (in a change to the scheduled programme) we had to decamp to downstairs to sleep on the floor and sofa thanks to an early morning mattress delivery (due to arrive any time from 7am onwards!!!) and a separate recycling pickup of my old one.

The problem is we had no idea which would happen first – the delivery or the pickup…

This meant that by 9pm on Sunday night our existing mattress was sitting in the hall propped up against the wall. This was only made possible with a strenuous dragging session that took both of us to heft it over the bannister, down the stairs (it only JUST fits floor to ceiling!) and into the hall.

Then – after we finally nodded off – I woke up shortly afterwards.

That damn fly was back!

I carefully stood up from my roll mat on the living room carpet in darkness and crept toward the buzzing near my armchair. My other half was fast asleep on the sofa – but I could still hear it!

Blinking flip!

It wasn’t a buzzing noise.

It was a crackling noise!

As I edged closer to the source of the disturbance I realised that it hadn’t been a fly – it was an electrical short – and the noise had followed me downstairs only because we were charging multiple devices with this Ikea Koppla USB plug.

The reason the noise was different (and louder) was because prior to sleeping downstairs this item (which is brand new – purchased only last week) had been plugged in under the bed on my partner’s side. Unlike me she sleeps like a log – but thankfully I’m much easier to disturb and thankfully also appear to have rather good hearing.

I immediately turned on the light unplugged the USB charger and sniffed it – and sure enough there was a smell of burning from within.

My unceremoniously woken partner (wondering what the hell I was doing sniffing our phones) leant over from the sofa and confirmed it. The charger smelt faintly of smoke.

My mind started racing.

What would have happened if I’d have missed it? Would the house have burned down? Would we have spotted it before it was too late?

The possibilities were horrifying.

Either way I’m taking this back to Ikea and I’m going to seriously complain about it because to say I’m unhappy is an understatement.

Cheap shouldn’t mean dangerous – and this most certainly is.

On the flip side however I can’t fault the mattress delivery and pick up guys who arrived shortly after I’d eventually calmed down and nodded off again. They were here (almost) when they said they’d be and we now have a brand new place to sleep – which is rather fitting now that we’re beginning a brand new chapter of our lives.

Since I’m often unexpectedly awake at all hours of the night more than anything I wanted a mattress stable enough so that I won’t wake up my dearly beloved if (or should I say when) I need to get up at 2am.

The other issue is that the old one was a real source of deep personal shame.

In 2007 (when I bought my house) I purchased a bed and a mattress from Ikea. Not long after I came to the the conclusion that their products were sub standard rubbish.

The bed broke.

A lot.

I snapped the metal cross member running along the centre of the bed not once but twice and then after replacing both of these (thank goodness you can buy spares) I sheared the metal bracket it clipped into at the bottom of the bed clean off.

I had to face facts.

It wasn’t the Ikea bed.

It was my 35st weight.

The mattress didn’t fare much better than the crossmember. It it was no match for my bulk and I ruined it in under a year – meaning that it too had to be replaced.

I decided to go to an independent bed warehouse near my house to research possible replacements – but whilst testing out their various products by sitting on the end of each I broke the slatted wooden frame of one and fell right through it (along with the splintered wood and mattress) onto the floor.

I was on my back with my legs (perhaps comically) high in the in the air and I couldn’t get out of the frame without the help of the shop owner – who was as apologetic as I was embarrassed about looking like a beached whale.

It wasn’t easy for either of us to get me out of that position and I was so mortified that I felt I had no choice but to buy something simply to make amends for the destruction I’d caused. With this in mind I asked the man to recommend a significantly more durable alternative to my sagging mattress.

The replacement he suggested was as formidable as it was expensive and would have to be specially ordered in. It had reinforced metal supports on the sides, was impossible to bend in half (like its flimsy predecessor) and it had a network of rock hard pocket springs all over it.

It cost well over half a grand – which was a price I felt happy to pay back then. Throwing money at problems seemed a lot easier than facing up to the fact I had to lose weight.

Somehow (and I don’t know how) after it was delivered I managed to get it upstairs on my own – despite it being around twice as heavy as the one it replaced and me being 35st.

The effort practically ended me. I was soaked with sweat and had agonising back pain (as well as being completely exhausted) by the time I finally managed to manhandle it onto my bed frame.

That seemingly indestructible mattress lasted almost two years before there was a noticeable Davey sized indent in the middle.

Despite flipping and turning it regularly I’d managed to kill that monster too.

Not willing to replace it again so soon (and also not wanting to drag it back down the stairs on my own) I made do with it from that point onwards. I’d always abstractly planned to replace it at some point – and then (seemingly without warning) it looked like I may no longer be my bed’s sole occupant any longer.

The state of my mattress was something I immediately felt the need to apologise for when for the first time I hosted my current guest – and I’ve been hyper aware of it ever since.

It’s not just that I disliked it when I entered into a relationship – but because it’s been bugging me (along with many other similar things) since I lost my weight.

For the longest time I’ve felt that I’ve been inhabiting someone else’s home and sitting on his furniture – because almost all of the things contained within it are still items purchased by and used by a man over twice my current size.

So – although I’m not flush with cash it’s a good time to have a refresh – and after some joint investigations last week in Ikea Coventry we both settled on one of these and ordered it.

Despite the swift death of my last Ikea mattress I’ve decided to try again and see what happens.

The combined weight of me and my partner is significantly less than I used to weigh on my own (the difference is almost an entire person!) and since neither of us has plans to invite a 3rd party to join us any time soon this should hopefully do the trick for the foreseeable future.

In another frankly ridiculous realisation (after dragging this upstairs on my own) I was gobsmacked that the new mattress weighs approximately one quarter of the total weight I’ve lost.

Twenty stone is 280lbs – meaning I’ve lost over four times the weight of this Hovag.

How insane is that?!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve had such a tangible non-scale victory, but this is a corker!

Despite how difficult it’s been lately to make the right food choices this is a reminder of how important it is to keep on doing so. Since I now have two to cook for (and I’m more motivated when looking after someone other than just myself) it’s becoming easier once again.

I absolutely love cooking for someone else and making sure that the ratios of speed and free foods are in the right proportions.


Granted – I’m still going a bit overboard with the portion sizes but it’s all good food.

So – things are going rather well at the moment – although I’m not sure that the same can be said for my shed roof – which (I discovered today) may be nearing the end of its operational life…

Admittedly I’m no expert in these matters (if I was then the outcome for my roof may be have been somewhat different) but I think that either some serious repairs (or an outright replacement) are in order.

So – bit by bit I’m making progress – both in life, and with my home.

There’s always something to do though isn’t there internet?

Thats just what makes life interesting.

I don’t mind though because at least I’m not doing it with four Hovags on my back.


2 thoughts on “Four Hovags and a smokey Koppla later…

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