Today I feel oddly deflated, which is particularly perverse given that I’m actually back on track. After a week of going back to basics and writing down EVERYTHING that passed my lips I pulled back the 3lb gain last week and nailed my seven and a half stone award.
Since I promised in my last but one post about portion sizes to be open about what I’d consumed over the last seven days – here is the remainder of my week of eating.
Chilli – 250g mince, half can kidney beans, half red pepper, broccoli, half can chopped toms, half large onion, mushrooms (remaining half of Tuesdays meal)
Chicken and bacon soup – chopped garlic, carrot, swede, onion, broccoli, courgette and potato with a can of mixed beans and a large handful of red lentils. Made with a can of chopped tomatoes and a carton of passata (two breakfast bowls eaten – saved the rest for Thursday)
Half a jar of pickled gherkins
Rest of chicken broth (2 bowls, same as above)
2x salmon steaks half a punnet cherry tomatoes + half tub cottage cheese
2x medium potatoes, can of tuna in spring water, 2 teaspoons whole grain mustard, Sainsburys light mayo (approx 3 tablespoons), carrots, tomato, yellow pepper, celery, lettuce and red wine vinegar
Several carrots while watching TV
Lettuce, carrot, green pepper, pickled onion, celery, tuna and whole grain mustard salad served with 6 x mini quiches (made in a muffin tray with 2 medallions bacon, courgette, onion and ham with 3 eggs and 1/4 tub quark)
(same again saved for Saturday’s lunch)
Well before I recieved the good news that I had lost weight I woke up worrying about standing on the scales at 3.30am. I simply couldn’t get back to sleep.
Eventually after staring at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity I finally ended up sitting downstairs in my armchair shooting aliens on my xbox until it was time to go to SW. Consequently when I arrived and stood in the queue my eyes were dead tired and I felt like I’d got absolutely zero energy.
I walked to Slimming World this morning – despite it not yet being a week off my feet (as recommended by the doctor on Monday) and my shin was throbbing.
As I waited in line my mind was still racing away – busy working overtime to convince myself that I’d messed up my week. I was mentally examining every aspect of how I felt and busy churning through stupidly negative thoughts over and over again. Did my clothes feel tighter? Did I feel bloated? How was my jacket fitting? The zip didn’t seem as loose. Was my poor mood noticeable as well?
I’m no good at hiding it when I feel low and I was so sure by the time I sat down (even with my good news) that I looked like a huge grumpy puss that I’d have honestly preferred to just climb into my wardrobe at home and not let anyone look me in the eye.
It’s stupid. I don’t know why sometimes I end up mentally snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I should have felt positive and energised but even when I’d weighed in and clearly done well I still couldn’t shake off my negative thoughts.
My feelings about my success and self worth seem to bear little relation to reality this week and I know I’m honestly not feeling myself. It’s only been 5 days without getting out for a good walk and I’m already feeling a massive difference in my mood.
I have been told again and again this week to not be so hard on myself – to focus on my success and how far I’ve come and not this little blip.
I’ve found it really hard (actually next to impossible) to do.
Somehow I seem to have decided this week that the only way to succeed in the absence of exercise is be ultra critical or hard on myself and to feel guilt for everything imaginable (both past and present).
I know I’m doing it. I can see it coming a mile off, and logical me knows its stupid – but I find myself occasionally slipping back into old habits and convincing myself (quite wrongly) that I need to hate myself in order to change myself. I thought I’d gotten past this kind of self destructive thought process and moved on to better ways of dealing with my problems.
Several people on Facebook and in group have also suggested other exercise I could do in the meantime – but for me these (well meaning and helpful) ideas are serving only to remind me I can’t easily get around outside under my own steam at the moment.
This might sound daft – as all exercise is beneficial to my cause – but I have my own internal ‘logic’ sanctioning why I feel this way.
Over and over again I’ve said I don’t want the body magic awards at SW. I’m still proud of what I personally achieve but I don’t want my exercise tracked simply as ‘Dave got his heart rate up for 30 minutes today and got a tick in a box’.
The idea of exercise simply for the sake of it at a gym or on my bike indoors leaves me completely disinterested. For me it’s all about being out in the world and although walking speeds up my weight loss it’s not the main reason I do it.
Being indoors just reminds me of what I often feel has been a largely fat and unproductive life and I don’t like it any more.
Whatever comes after Slimming World if (when) I reach a reasonable weight has to be organic and part of my everyday routine. Walking for me must be an everyday necessity that’s woven into every part of my life and ideally I want it to remain a very social pursuit. Strolls with friends are something I genuinely look forward to and the people I meet up with motivate me to get out of bed and moving toward my goals way more than staring at a wall while I pedal like a hamster on a wheel.
As I write and read all of this back I’m almost at the point of wiping it and starting again. I think I sound ungrateful for my success and just plain miserable. I wonder what people will think of me. I’d rather they thought I was happy.
But I won’t delete it. Where does not being honest get me?
It’s how I feel at this exact moment in time and regardless of whether its consumer friendly or not I almost feel I need to pour it out of my head onto a page to get rid of it
Despite the content of my post seeming (to me) largely negative and downbeat it’s genuinely how I am dealing with life at this particular moment in time. I want to record it so that when I don’t feel the same way tomorrow or the day after I can look back with fresher eyes.
Hopefully when I do it will reaffirm that emotionally kicking myself for nothing all week has brought me no more success than being happy with myself on other similarly successful weeks.
I live in hope that eventually I’ll realise that feeling like this is a complete waste of time, and be better able to snap myself out of it when I see it coming on the horizon.
Maybe not at the moment though internet. I’ll get right back onto feeling positive in a short while.